The time eventually came, when i had to come and sit at my PC again and write something. The chain of thoughts that's been going on in my head just kept expanding and organically branching out in all possible directions.
Mostly it starts with a question!!!
And then you regret having asked it yourself.......
But then you cannot turn your back on things unsaid, its like acrid vapors hanging in still air. Refuse to go, until you let some fresh air flow in.
Anyways, it all started on a trip. I was on my way to Lucknow on board a Train. I love traveling in the train for two reasons. One, the passage of time is more real and the distance actually diminishes with time, as it does in most cases, but somehow the slow passage of time seems more natural more realistic to me somehow. Secondly i get ample time to nurture crazy thoughts like this one here, i am having with me right now.
I was enjoying the sun, the feel of those soft morning rays falling on my arms, that soft touch of cold morning wind touching my face, all of a sudden i felt "relaxed". Unguarded, Prone, all the layers on insulation i had been building between me and that question, all of a sudden were gone.
And i regretted it later. Much later. anyways it was too late for now.
So, i asked myself, Who am i? A profoundly simple and innocent question but it started a train of thoughts, "Where am i Going? , "what am i doing?", "Where is home?", "Where are the people who love me?", "What is it that i really want to achieve?". things like that. Fairly innocent questions, but trust me , they are not innocent. They can wreck hovocc on your simple cute little value system. Render it useless at most. Then you have to start all over again. Don't Try it at home, its not worth it. Anyways, so now the problem was that i had almost 8 hours of journey left with me now. People around me, were, well, no offense, the most boring people ever to have lived on this planet. One of them was a Fashion model or something, Cute 23 year old female ( Yes! My Age), who was mostly interested in talking about Italian fashion, which to me is "Hwwa hua wwaa chu chi ( Thats in Chineese i guess!!)
Anyways, there was this Uncle Ji, 50 - 80 years age , could have been anywhere between that bracket because there was no way i could tell, judging by his looks. He was an IAS officer in the fisheries department and all. One son in US working for some firm, getting a fat dollar check for it. One daughter wedded to a Minister of some sort. Anyways he was really interested in throwing me off the train, and ensure that i got killed in the process, because i told him, that i work for a British Firm. Notwithstanding the fact that his own son, was working for some Half Baked idiot in US, this uncle ji thought that I AM DRAINING INDIA'S WEALTH ( Wherever that is,bcoz i am not really sure if there is any wealth here at all ). And this uncle ji thought that i am single handedly responsible for the unemployment in india, for killing the local industry, the small scale things ( i did not even know, that small scale sector used to manufacture Heavy construction equipment, which incidentally my "Evil" company makes for a living), Killing the Agriculture. and i could tell by the way he was looking at me, that he'd just as soon as push me out of the train as he got the chance to do it. I wish the damn train had some kind of seat belts or something. damned Indian railways.
There was another guy there with me, sitting right in front of me. Mostly his jaw did not leave the train's floor ( Did i tell you his jaw fell down, when he saw that model come in and sit next to me? ), I could tell by the way that he looked at her, that he was building castles and mountains of fantasies, all around that beauty. For nine hours, his eyes never left her alone. So i could deduce that he was not a least bit interested in having a conversation with me. Throw me out perhaps but not talk to me. So i felt somewhat more uncomfortable. Damn the Indian Railways, they should have some kind of seat belts on.
And this one should get the Nobel prize in that little compartment of mine. He was the best among this little herd. Well, he had this mobile phone with him, which i don't know why, required him to scream his lungs out, or maybe i guess the person at the other end had a hearing disability. So it was like he was screaming at the top of his voice into the cell phone, and trying to sort all his personal problems then and there. Sorry but i really could not miss out the details that he was airing in that little compartment. Turned out his wife had a relation with this other neighbor they had and this guy in the train was telling each one of his relatives that he was going to kill her or something, when he got back home that is. And i am sure the way he built his case, the whole compartment must have sympathized with him, and maybe some people with good hearing in the other compartment too.He was so engrossed in this , conversation of his, that even when nobodies cell phone was working, his mobile companty must have decided to air some extra signal into the cell phone for him. Custom Made or something. The model babe sitting next to him was surely feeling sorry for the little soul. Anyways. So you see my surroundings were just perfect. Picture perfect, so i just could not turn the What and why questions out of my head.
You really should not be cornered that ways, i was, and trust me its not fun!
Anyways, so lets start with the first thing that came to my head. in just a few months my life has been a roller coaster ride. So many things have been happening and so many things changing all of a sudden that i have lost all contact with reality. Its like a dazed confused dream, that just refuses to go away. So the thing is that i as a person have felt so lost and so confused that i even lost the sense of passage of time.
the people i love and care for, well, they've mostly been busy with there lives, trying to bring order into their own little chaotic universes. Some settling down, some going with the flow, some taking challenges and taking the lead. Well as of me, i am on the sidetracks for most of them. A diesel engine left running on the sidelines by some one. like you notice it, and wonder why its there and you move on.
Well, so here i am right now, lost lonely and "Thinking" about things i should not be thinking about, i know!
Thinking back and analyzing all that has happened to me so far i wonder whats wrong? I have a job, it pays well, i am not under debt or something, i live in a commparitive luxury, my life has been fairly successful to this point. BUT, there is something missing. Something fundamental, like a small stone missing in the foundation, like a small chromosome missing in my DNA. The harder i think of it, the harder i hit the wall.
i am still looking for that answer, i am still cornered by the questions at times and i still grope in the dark looking for them. i guess you don't just bounce into answers all at once. its all a process you have to go through and the process is what we have to learn not the answers but the whole process, bit by bit one step at a time. I wonder when i am dying or something, would i be content with all the answers i would be having with me that time. Or would i be still saying " oh Hell! i just could not figure out why?"
Maybe this is the learning that comes from all the questions that you ask yourself in those lonely personal moments, that its not the answers that matter but the way you ask the questions , the way you face your daemons and the way you challenge them.
loneliness, it has a solution, there are a billions and billions of people out there, population bursting at its seams, and i just cannot seem to believe that you cannot find ONEn Right person in all that crowd, one person you can feel bonded with.
Challenge? there are billion things you can challenge yourself on. and if you do it right, you might as well emerge a winner. Small challenges at first and then you can take the world head on.
money, Home, Car, Kids, Loving wife, good job, satisfaction, happiness, bliss, contentment, good sex, wild sex, more money, even more money, prestige, respect, crowds, all have a single price i think. "Initiative"!!!!!
Every problem has a solution, you just have to be using the right formula
