Lost in Dreams.......and Lost in thoughts

The time eventually came, when i had to come and sit at my PC again and write something. The chain of thoughts that's been going on in my head just kept expanding and organically branching out in all possible directions.
Mostly it starts with a question!!!

And then you regret having asked it yourself.......

But then you cannot turn your back on things unsaid, its like acrid vapors hanging in still air. Refuse to go, until you let some fresh air flow in.
Anyways, it all started on a trip. I was on my way to Lucknow on board a Train. I love traveling in the train for two reasons. One, the passage of time is more real and the distance actually diminishes with time, as it does in most cases, but somehow the slow passage of time seems more natural more realistic to me somehow. Secondly i get ample time to nurture crazy thoughts like this one here, i am having with me right now.
I was enjoying the sun, the feel of those soft morning rays falling on my arms, that soft touch of cold morning wind touching my face, all of a sudden i felt "relaxed". Unguarded, Prone, all the layers on insulation i had been building between me and that question, all of a sudden were gone.

And i regretted it later. Much later. anyways it was too late for now.

So, i asked myself, Who am i? A profoundly simple and innocent question but it started a train of thoughts, "Where am i Going? , "what am i doing?", "Where is home?", "Where are the people who love me?", "What is it that i really want to achieve?". things like that. Fairly innocent questions, but trust me , they are not innocent. They can wreck hovocc on your simple cute little value system. Render it useless at most. Then you have to start all over again. Don't Try it at home, its not worth it. Anyways, so now the problem was that i had almost 8 hours of journey left with me now. People around me, were, well, no offense, the most boring people ever to have lived on this planet. One of them was a Fashion model or something, Cute 23 year old female ( Yes! My Age), who was mostly interested in talking about Italian fashion, which to me is "Hwwa hua wwaa chu chi ( Thats in Chineese i guess!!)
Anyways, there was this Uncle Ji, 50 - 80 years age , could have been anywhere between that bracket because there was no way i could tell, judging by his looks. He was an IAS officer in the fisheries department and all. One son in US working for some firm, getting a fat dollar check for it. One daughter wedded to a Minister of some sort. Anyways he was really interested in throwing me off the train, and ensure that i got killed in the process, because i told him, that i work for a British Firm. Notwithstanding the fact that his own son, was working for some Half Baked idiot in US, this uncle ji thought that I AM DRAINING INDIA'S WEALTH ( Wherever that is,bcoz i am not really sure if there is any wealth here at all ). And this uncle ji thought that i am single handedly responsible for the unemployment in india, for killing the local industry, the small scale things ( i did not even know, that small scale sector used to manufacture Heavy construction equipment, which incidentally my "Evil" company makes for a living), Killing the Agriculture. and i could tell by the way he was looking at me, that he'd just as soon as push me out of the train as he got the chance to do it. I wish the damn train had some kind of seat belts or something. damned Indian railways.
There was another guy there with me, sitting right in front of me. Mostly his jaw did not leave the train's floor ( Did i tell you his jaw fell down, when he saw that model come in and sit next to me? ), I could tell by the way that he looked at her, that he was building castles and mountains of fantasies, all around that beauty. For nine hours, his eyes never left her alone. So i could deduce that he was not a least bit interested in having a conversation with me. Throw me out perhaps but not talk to me. So i felt somewhat more uncomfortable. Damn the Indian Railways, they should have some kind of seat belts on.

And this one should get the Nobel prize in that little compartment of mine. He was the best among this little herd. Well, he had this mobile phone with him, which i don't know why, required him to scream his lungs out, or maybe i guess the person at the other end had a hearing disability. So it was like he was screaming at the top of his voice into the cell phone, and trying to sort all his personal problems then and there. Sorry but i really could not miss out the details that he was airing in that little compartment. Turned out his wife had a relation with this other neighbor they had and this guy in the train was telling each one of his relatives that he was going to kill her or something, when he got back home that is. And i am sure the way he built his case, the whole compartment must have sympathized with him, and maybe some people with good hearing in the other compartment too.He was so engrossed in this , conversation of his, that even when nobodies cell phone was working, his mobile companty must have decided to air some extra signal into the cell phone for him. Custom Made or something. The model babe sitting next to him was surely feeling sorry for the little soul. Anyways. So you see my surroundings were just perfect. Picture perfect, so i just could not turn the What and why questions out of my head.

You really should not be cornered that ways, i was, and trust me its not fun!

Anyways, so lets start with the first thing that came to my head. in just a few months my life has been a roller coaster ride. So many things have been happening and so many things changing all of a sudden that i have lost all contact with reality. Its like a dazed confused dream, that just refuses to go away. So the thing is that i as a person have felt so lost and so confused that i even lost the sense of passage of time.

the people i love and care for, well, they've mostly been busy with there lives, trying to bring order into their own little chaotic universes. Some settling down, some going with the flow, some taking challenges and taking the lead. Well as of me, i am on the sidetracks for most of them. A diesel engine left running on the sidelines by some one. like you notice it, and wonder why its there and you move on.

Well, so here i am right now, lost lonely and "Thinking" about things i should not be thinking about, i know!

Thinking back and analyzing all that has happened to me so far i wonder whats wrong? I have a job, it pays well, i am not under debt or something, i live in a commparitive luxury, my life has been fairly successful to this point. BUT, there is something missing. Something fundamental, like a small stone missing in the foundation, like a small chromosome missing in my DNA. The harder i think of it, the harder i hit the wall.

i am still looking for that answer, i am still cornered by the questions at times and i still grope in the dark looking for them. i guess you don't just bounce into answers all at once. its all a process you have to go through and the process is what we have to learn not the answers but the whole process, bit by bit one step at a time. I wonder when i am dying or something, would i be content with all the answers i would be having with me that time. Or would i be still saying " oh Hell! i just could not figure out why?"

Maybe this is the learning that comes from all the questions that you ask yourself in those lonely personal moments, that its not the answers that matter but the way you ask the questions , the way you face your daemons and the way you challenge them.

loneliness, it has a solution, there are a billions and billions of people out there, population bursting at its seams, and i just cannot seem to believe that you cannot find ONEn Right person in all that crowd, one person you can feel bonded with.

Challenge? there are billion things you can challenge yourself on. and if you do it right, you might as well emerge a winner. Small challenges at first and then you can take the world head on.

money, Home, Car, Kids, Loving wife, good job, satisfaction, happiness, bliss, contentment, good sex, wild sex, more money, even more money, prestige, respect, crowds, all have a single price i think. "Initiative"!!!!!

Every problem has a solution, you just have to be using the right formula

The Wizard of the Dark,,,,,

The ashes are still warm
my body lies there spread in the fire
but i promised you i will rise again

Some one told me, when i was a kid
"You will always belong to the dark, and that is where you will find all ur happiness"
i could not understand what he meant
now i see what darkness is to me
'
they break me
they try to kill all the love i have for myself
they loathe me for what i have become

but the ashes are still warm
and the fire is still not out
and i rise once again

this is not a poem ......
this is a promise to myself
that all those who left me to die the slow and painful death
will one day realize what they have lost

i believe in you
i trust you
i still do
and i love you
a lot
but i have to go now
i have a goal to achieve
and thanks to you
you made me realize that the ashes also have a use.,,,,,,,,

I am what i am...........

The day starts
With a warm feeling of anticipation
Something good is going to happen today….

I wait for my chances to come
I wait for my time
I am patient
And I am diligent
But destiny has her ways

Dreams once cherished
Dreams now lost
Dreams forgotten long time back
Dreams that haunt me in the middle of the night

Nightmares no longer scare
People come and go
People I once loved, lost
People I once craved
Crawl all over my skin now

I became something wanton
Dark
Cold and dead
But I know good things will happen to me
Not in this lifetime
Maybe next
Or maybe the next one
I will keep on hoping
Keep on waiting
Keep on living and
Keep on dying
For I am an end in itself
I am faith
I am what I am………………..

Black is all I see......

There i stand
looking in the dark
is it only my reflection
or is it visions from the past
or maybe manifestations of my own desires

black is all i see
darkness is all around me
I've been searching
so long
that i lost sight
of what i was looking for
my trenchant journey, leads me nowhere........

i stand here now
a victim of my own choices
feeding on my own vices
i am leaving this place now
i am going into the darkness
death is the only way out.......

bblackness feeds my skin
blackness feeds my brain
blackness feeds my end..........

She came to me today......

I was standing there
in the dark
and she came to me today......
I know that look honey
I know u have been waiting
but isn't everysecond we spent waiting worth it now?
isn't every broken promise worth it?
isn't this life worth living now?

she stands there and smiles
knowing that emptiness inside me
the hours spent crying lonely in the dark
she knows I have been waiting
expecting
dreaming
hoping
that she will find me
and she did

this is how the journey begins
this is how we set to claim what is ours
Happiness

dREAMS I USED TO SEE ALL THE TIME........

You Are 100% Psychic

You are so very psychic. But you already predicted that, didn't you? You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others. You're very tapped into the world around you... Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

now this is something i would like to explain a bit more. there are times when i look at some one and i can tell that they are going to dig in there noses, and they do!!! they really do. or maybe some one walks over me in a crowd and i can tell that they are going to say "oh have we met before"/
and even before passing my 4th grade i was wondering that which planes have i been dropped from, my folks did not want to tell me that i am a result of what they did sometime, but anyways, what bthey did say was "u were dropped from the sky" so i have been searchin for that crazy planet all my life, not found it yet. but i know its right there somewhere

How impulsive am i......

You Are 72% Impulsive

You are impulsive, which at times leads to irresponsibility. It's hard for you to say no to all but the most insane propositions. But you could care less. While your impulsive ways have gotten you in a little trouble - they've made for a very exciting life!

Are You Impulsive?

hey this is crazy IT WORKS ALL THE TIME YA KNOW.................

What kind of writer i should be?

You Should Be a Science Fiction Writer

Your ideas are very strange, and people often wonder what planet you're from. And while you may have some problems being "normal," you'll have no problems writing sci-fi. Whether it's epic films, important novels, or vivid comics... Your own little universe could leave an important mark on the world!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

i took this crazy test on my wookie's blog and looki how close this is to my writing....how many people out there agree?

Saturday Morning.......

I am sure most of the people here have listened to this song over and over again.....but the reason i am putting this here is that as soon as i woke up on this saturday, i was happy and i was smiling, in part bcoz i do not have to go to the office and in part bcoz i was just happy........ i am sure all of us have those moments when everything is OK and everything FITS


Artist: Pearl Jam Lyrics
Song: Black Lyrics

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I'll be...
Yeah
Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine
(not sure?)
mm-hmm no yeah no
mm mmmm no nonono yeah yeah
we-
we belong
we belong together
together
oooh ooh
we-
we belong
we belong together
oh yeah

Schizophrenia

It seems to me that we humans have been living a life of a schizophrenic. We have been living not just in two split personalities but maybe many more than that. We get up everyday and that is the time that we are closest to our true being. We feel the warmth within ourselves and we feel that soft gentle happiness inside of us. But as the day progresses our true self gets buried under layers n layers of expectations.

We are expected to behave in a certain defined manner. There is a code on the way you speak, there is another code that tells you that there are things in life you cannot have. Even if you know that doing something will give you immense pleasure, you are torn between what is right and what is wrong.

Take for example the most basic human need. “Sex”. I believe that it is the sweetest, most remarkable emotion that we humans can experience, that one moment, that one single second in which we feel infinite happiness and bliss. In that moment there is no inhibition no holding you back. But how many people even think of it in those terms. A million inhibitions are tied onto this particular emotion, you cannot talk about it, you cannot discuss it, as if it’s a remorseful mortification of human caricature.

I have seen married couples who were infinitely in love with each other a few months back, being torn between lives, expectation, and such shit. Slowly all of them move into a kind of inertial life where they are just spending time with each other. There is no erotic feeling when your spouse touches you; there is no feeling of content. I do not think I am given the tools to understand why people complicate there lives so much……..

Maybe someday I really will…….

the devil is back

well, first thing first. i am writing my blog after such a long haul coz i had lost my password( i hope this is a good excuse!!! he he he he ). Anyways, life has been kinda strange to me lately. i have had the pleasure to meet really goofy and eccentric sort of people.
i have been wanting to write something here since a long time, but everytime i wrote something on my home PC, i felt disgusted like always and had to delete it all to get rid of the idea. Well writing drives me nutts. But at times an idea really comes up and grabs you and you have to do something about it......DAMN FAST.


anyways. So actually i went to the railways station today to drop a friend of mine. He is going to a place called Tohana, to do a job.so he is the kinda a guy who is always partying and all, and always having fun.
so while his train was leaving a sudden thought came to my mind. Now this place where he has to go is the most depressing place on the planet ( Abhigyan don't kill me for this, but i guess u will agree). so suddenly while his train was snaking away from the station a thought came to my head, that how destiny shapes our lives!!! he would never hane imagined a life in such a place. so this suddent attack of introspection grabbed me and while driving back i was forced to thing how my own life has changed......
things and events have a certain kind of background, where everything is sort of "Decided". so if everything is decided then what is the fucckin need to work your ass off? why not wait on a highway for a truck to come down and shred you to a million pieces. if there is a thing called god up there and he is pulling the strings then why not let the sorry ass do his job?

so like i mean if every damn thing ais bound to happen, and u can change just the tits and bits of it athen why struggle like an ass to change things, why not go with the flow.
well i had to write this down so that i can drive piecefully, so i stopped at a cafe by the road to throw this here. i guess i will think and write more on this topic and then maybe someday i will have my own novel on this topic. he he he he

lets see if i can wrrite a book on this " The Ass god and his Strings", something like that. Lets see. Will let ya all know. and hey "moment" if ur reading this, then thank you. i really love your comments........see ya

Perceptions......

Well, i have said this a million times, that i write only when a certain idea hits me so hard that i HAVE tu put it into words....i wait for a million years and try to strangle the idea but the urge still grows stronger.
Well, this time the credit goes to Vishal.

A few days back, he told me that "Rohit, why is it that not many people like you?". at that time i did not have the answer but then the seed had been planted. and ever since i have been thinking, why is it people do not like me? Why is that most of the people scorn at the mention of my name?

Now the reason why i am writing this is that when i write is the time when my thoughts become clear even to me.

So, what makes people like people? Or what is it that people DO NOT like about people, and how much do i care what others think of me?

I guess the root of evil here is that all the people who know you and all the people that come in contact with you, expect you to behave in a certain DEFINED manner. Now who decides this manner. the answer to this is, Expectations. i guess the only way to be most popular is meet the expectations of the masses. Become what they want you to become. Change yourself according to sll the people you meet. Change yourself to what is cool in the society. Change according to what THEY think is "HEP"!

But do i want to change myself. i dun think so. To me it does not matter what others or anyone thinks of me. Yes! i am too selfish in that respect. If you change so much everyday, what happens to "YOU". What happens to that inner self that you have nurtured for such a long time. I guess the universe would be so much more beautiful if people understood, that our motive in this life time is to attain perfection. And to do that the best virtue is to help each other reach that ultimate dream that one wishes to attain for himself. Not to change what he already is!!!!!

Today i have to say that i live for myself. people come into my life and people teach me things. That happens all the time, i learn from them. I help Them reach there dreams but i say here, that i do not give them any right to even a single minute of my life. i do not give them the liberty to even change one micron in my life. Yes they can grow with me, yes! they can learn from me and we can forever be together.

I have not made many friends in my life, but the ones i have made, never cease to make me feel proud of them. They are the people who hold something, Anything sacred in there lives and they NEVER i mean it, they NEVER give up. They have found what they love in there lives and they are chasing that. it does not matter to them what is cool or hep, what matters to them is what they want. And they are on there way to attain perfection.

Pallavi, if you are reading this, then i am sure u know what i mean. Swapnil, she has found herself and she is chasing it top speed. And i love her for that. Prem, who has been my brother since childhood, has never let go of his dreams. there are so many people i know that i can mention here, who have lived for what they hold sacred in there lives.
i guess there is so much to say on this and right now i have to get back to my studies, but yes i will surely continue with this, and will try to mention some people i have met, who changed so much that nothing of any value remained in them

i hope you know what i mean!!!!

Many a times i sit on my computer, try to forms thoughts into words
and come up something decent. But does it matter, what i write? Does it matter if anyone gives a shit what i am writing is good or not. Well it does not. I write for my own pleasure. For the love of this life ,which is too precious.
So, if anyone of you have started reading this, coz you think what a good writer i am and all, i better terll you this is going to be a bunch of horse shit. I dO Nat CaaRe Where my spllngs r GOING,,.,;!!#@ or what PnctuaTIOn i am USING>

These are ,my thoughts and i write for my own pleasure

I want to talk about perfection today? What is perfection to you? is it being able to do your thing so well that people talk about you? Or is it doing something that wins you lot of appreciation? well to me perfection is when you do something and you fall in love with the "Doing", not the end result of it. Perfection is when you create something and you stop and wonder, have i actually built this? When you start worshipping your own Doing.

I believe we can become good on anything when we fall truly in love with it. Noiw that does not mean that you do something that is cool or that is trendy, but that sure means that you worship what you do.

Now i dun think i can write any more, so before i delete this too and maybe delete this whole blog anyway i guess i should publish this post and never come back here again

A Promise........

A Long time back I promised a friend of mine, that I will be writing a piece for a popular newspaper he work in, "The Economic Times". He's been at my back like a goose monkey ever since, but I am too lazy to write anyways. But today he told me to at least put it on the blog. This for you Mr. Anand.

"The Metaphor of flow is one that many people have used to describe the sense of effortless action they feel in moments that stand out as best in their lives. It is the full involvement of flow, rather than happiness that makes for excellence in life. We can be happy experiencing the passive pleasures of a rested body, cool environs, or the contentment of serene relationships, but this kind of happiness depends on favorable external circumstances also. I am led to believe that this is applicable as well to the economy of a country as well. The economy of a country is a real indicator of how people feel content and secure in the system. The more people flow with the systems put in place, the more that translates into GDP growth. An example will help here. There are so many institutions in a country; all of them have to be in sync in order to have a stable growth. The stock markets will not be growing when the Military is in a high state of readiness. Or the schools will not be able to flow, if the industry is not showing any promises for employment. Or there will be no use for Stock markets when, the country even lacks the basic infrastructure. So what makes the whole economy go in a proper synchronization, so that an effortless flow is established, that leads to high growth numbers?

I believe that the real catalyst for that to happen is a Leadership in which each and every citizen believes in. A leadership towards which people can look up with a promise and a positive expectation of growth and security. Till that is achieved I feel it is improbable that the whole nation can be made to grow in that karmic Flow, leading to ever increasing economic and social growth"

Now, Alok, I know this is all crap and I have been telling you this from a long time. But his is the best I could come up with. I can confess that I just wrote it in 5-10 minutes, while you have been waiting for almost 15 days now. Sorry chums, but I write for my own pleasure man. And I will strangle you if you even once more asked me to write a book. That will probably put my picture on the front page of your paper "A Mad Blogger Strangles a Journalist".

See ya dude.

A Little Bit of Humour................

Revelations Part Two

Well, before I could even post the second part of this series I came to know that the guy I had saved that day in the accident, died yesterday.

But somehow it did not even register in my system. Detachment can work wonders in your life at times. Come to think of it now, maybe he was supposed to die that day itself. Or maybe I was destined to give him 20 extra days to live. Who knows? But this is not about him, is it? I am supposed to tell you what I learnt, what revelations came to me?
Well it’s crazy, but as I was traveling in the mountains on a bike, I saw a lonely try, by the end of the road. And somehow it got me to think of how many travelers must have passed him by. How many people must have seen it, and not cared about it. How many people must have stopped to take a leak right on top of it? How many storms this tree would have stood by? But at the core of it, did it feel sad about it all? Did this tree even care about people passing by it and never caring about it. Well, you can say that tree does not have feelings, like we humans have, but how can some thing so beautiful, so profound not have feelings? I don’t think so that can be.

My answer to this dilemma was that nature created everything perfect and complete in itself. But somehow down the line, we humans have "Degraded". We depend too much on other people for opinion. We get hurt when they go out of our life. We care too much about our surrounding, never nourishing the inner garden that we have. We were created in total perfection but somehow we forget that. We manage to do that. Anyways these are only my crazy thoughts. You do not have to agree with them.

Revelations Part One

Certain events in your life, force you to stop at times and wonder, think of things you rather never think of. And force you to make changes, which you never deemed important or even necessary. I have just come out of some similar events in my life. If you have to understand what i actually mean i will have to tell this like a proper story. Otherwise my meaning will get distorted.

Lets just go back to March 1'st. There is no reason why i am going back to this particular date, but infact it makes no difference whether i start this on march 1'st or Feb. 1'st. You will understand the reason soon. The thing is that all the events that had been happening till that particular date, had forced me to believe that how meaningless and how vague my life had become. All through my life i have had this love for my profession, that is Mechanical Engineering. And my life was going nowhere. so naturally i was pretty tense. And i am not the kind of person who surrounds himself with a million friends and forgets his worries in the "Mob Mentality". So the few really special people i had around me, were having there own problems. So that time i was of the view that my life had come to its lowest ebb. But seemingly the old man above ( Call him God if you are the religious types), had some really different plans. throwing me on the ground and making me bite dust was really not enough. So he decided to actually bury me forever.

What followed thereafter is something, that most people know. If you have been following my blog, then i have already told you about the accident i was involved in. That particular event made me feel as if all this is so useless. What is the use of digging your ass deep in the ground to make your destiny, when you do not even have a destiny? What is the use of burning everyday when Mr. Old Man above has everything written down for you? what is the god damned use of seeing dreams, that will never come true? And what is the use of loving people so fragile, that they can actually disappear forever from this planet within a second?

Well this is the crap that was going on in my head at the time. So naturally i went home. I have always believed that being among the people who love you and who understand you can solve any and all the problems in your life. But then again Mr. Old man wanted to have some fun. He decided to put my family into troubles too. now what really happened is just another huge story, but in just one day, my dad lost everything he had accumulated in his entire life. He is a hardworking and a really sincere kind of a person. And all of a sudden lightning struck and just 2 years before his retirement, it seemed we had lost everything. Now the natural course of my steep decline should have been something like a suicide or something.

But then fate again intervened, and i went on a vacation with a really special person. This time Mr. Old Man above said, "OK! this guy has had enough. Lets solve his problems now". Maybe they have this "Human Rights Organization" above which must have intervened on my behalf or something. And guess what in just 3 days, my life was back to normal.

But you can never say that my life came back to what it was. the revelations that have come during this period have been the most valuable lessons of my life. And in the three days i took the vacation in the mountains i wrote them all down.

I feel that the kind of love i got from people i hardly knew a few days back, helped me put all those things together. And just for them, those few "Special people" in my life i have decided, that i will share the best lessons of my life during the course of these days. Before i end this, as a summary of what is to follow, all i can say is that in the end, all this pain and all this sorrow is worth it!

Yes i know Mr. Old Man really gives you a pain in the ass, but he is "God" after all ;)
Maybe things appear really unfair to us sometimes, but then he never reveals his plans for us. And one thing i can assure you folks, he has something special for each one of us.

hi....Guess i'm back!!!

Life has funny ways. One day you are so sad and so tense that you can hardly stabd up, and the very next day you feel so alive that you fall in love with life. After what happened on 4th march, i guess i was in the lowest ebb of my life. But then, as they say, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, i found my happiness again. In the process i have written lots of good stuff, which i will be posting within a day or two. But right now all i can say is that "Every problem, has a solution", it just matters, that how hard you are willing to push to find it.....

Its good to be able to communicate with you folks out there.

What happened on 4th March.........

A few days back i was going in a three wheeler on a busy highway. And suddenly there was a terrible crash and I saw a Maruti Van barreling towards us, out of control at almost 90 km/hr. but before it could hit us, it hit a guy on a scooter and another pair of folks on a motorcycle, and missed us by an inch.

As soon as we stopped and I ran towards where the guy on the scooter had fallen, I could see him surrounded by a whole bunch of people and everyone was saying that he is dead. No one was even touching him. But as soon as I got near him I could see a big fountain of blood coming out of his right leg and he was breathing. I figured out that if he is breathing I must help him. But soon as I bent near him and looked at his leg, I realized that one was missing. At first for a minute or so it just did not sink in but then I saw his leg lying at least 150 meters away. And trust me I have never felt so much fear in my whole life. I have never been so shaken at anything, ever in my whole damn life. And I almost had a heart attack. And from a little medical knowledge I had I knew he would have bled to death in just about 5-6 minutes.

And I was so baffled that I could not move my hands for a long time. And nobody was helping; they were just standing there and watching. So then and there I knew that this guy has just one shot at life, just one ray of hope, and that is me. That if I do not help him I will regret it for the rest of my life. And then I took a decision to save him, no matter what. No matter what it may take. So I tied two tourniquets around his leg but the bleeding would not even slow down. His main blood vessel was hanging from his leg so I took it in my hands and tied a knot on it. So that stopped the bleeding. But then no one on the highway was stopping. And all the people there were just watching and doing nothing at all. Can u believe that?

Somehow I managed to stop another 3 wheeler, and with no help at all got him into the three wheeler. And you know he was talking to me all the way to the hospital. He asked me, “Did I loose my leg?” and I told him, “Are you kidding, if that would have happened you would have been in pain”!! and he actually believed in me. I knew that if he went into a shock he would not last for even a minute. So I kept him talking and all. But you know what was going in my head. That this is Fucckin unfair. Just because some moron thought that he was a wise guy, and could drive on the wrong side, this kid is almost dead. And trust me, I prayed like I have never prayed in my life. all the while I was thinking” God dun let this kid die in my arms, coz if he did, I will never be able to look into the mirror, ever again.

But in the end I got him to the hospital, what happened there is just another story. The kind of mismanagement we have in the hospitals, will take me a month to write about. But anyhow he survived. And thank god he is ok now.
He has some injuries to his spine and all.

On one side I think how unfair life is. How unjust! That guy was going for an job interview, would he have ever wondered that in a short time, his life was about to be changed. Forever. And on the other side, I came to know how fragile our own lives are. If everything depends on god damned destiny then what is the use anyway!

I have not been able to come out of this since. Though I am trying my best to get over this. But so many “What ifs” continue to haunt me. Everyday I go off to sleep it goes on again and again in my head and it is driving me crazy. If god has a plan for me then what is the use of a million dreams i see everyday..........

Sorry For the Delay

hey folks.
i am so sorry for not putting anything on the blog for a long time now. i've been recieving lots of mails asking me waht is wrong? the thing is that i was involved in an accident. nothing happened to me, but i certainly saved a life. but what actually happened is still tormenting me, and i have not written anything since. but i will sure get back to all of me lovely friends out there in a day or two.......

END

It creeps through your skin
And seeps through your veins
Like blood running out of your eyes
It burn holes in you soul

You want to cry, but there are no tears
You want to moan but your throat is choked
You want to run but your legs ain’t there no more

Like seeping death it crawls over you
And you see your clock tick
Minutes falling like yellow leaves in a spring
It hurts? Yes it does…….
But then you don’t care no more, Do you?

One last effort to scream
One last cry before your eyes close
But is it not too late already
The hour of forgiveness is long past……

In that last blur of a vision
In which I see what I called as life
It suddenly dawns on me, how things “Could” have been!
How life was meant to be lived
Chances I got and chances I lost
Agony is the last word…..darkness is reality……

Searching for you.....

The days are unusually quiet
The nights are cold,
I wait for you to come in the moonlight
But I never feel that you are there.

Then I cry, but still you watch me
From a distance
Then I ask myself
“Why am I so in love with you?”
Just a little wind blows, and I get my answer.

At times I do try to figure out, who or what you are?
Maybe just a hallucination
Maybe just an illusion
Maybe a mirage in a lonely mind
But I know you hide just behind that corner
And laugh at my questions,
Because the answer lies, somewhere inside of me
One day I know I will find you
We will then laugh and cry together
But till the time we blend for eternity
I guess I will be searching for you……

Free Will

One of the many things given to us on this planet is “Free Will”. Well, contextually, that means that all the time we can decide what we do. That essentially translates into, “Choices”. I was talking to a friend of mine who have had a particularly painful experience in the past. That got me into thinking that how “Free”, is actually this “Free Will” we talk about.

Everyday there are so many events and people who trigger numerous reactions in us. We feel pain when we loose someone we love, we feel happy when we meet someone we cherish, a careless driver on the road pisses us off, a person voicing his opinion on something might offend us, so many of them to name here. And many of these we feel, consciously and many of them keep on going at a Subconscious level. But, then what are these reactions. I believe they are nothing but our own “CHOICES”, to be hurt, to be happy, to be dazzled, to be confused and so on.

But why do we choose to get hurt. Well, that needs some explanation here. We choose to get hurt, because we need the lessons that come out of that turmoil in life. There are always more than two ways to look at a thing. For instance, if my Girl friend runs away with my brother tomorrow, I can choose to feel devastated and break his neck, or I may even thank him for opening new options for me. Or maybe if I am not getting a job and I feel bitter at things I could have been doing then maybe instead of choosing to feel lost, can’t I “Choose” to feel, that I still have a whole array of options in front of me? Or let’s take a simple example, why do we not choose to feel hurt when we see a lovely lady? Cry over the fact that how beautiful she is and bemoan the fact that someone else will go to bed with her tonight? Well, choices, choices, choices………..

But the question is that why we make certain choices which we do not really want to make. I guess that is where the real catch lies. The thing is that the “Free will” is not at all free. It’s rather “Conditioned Will”. And this conditioning starts the moment we are born. The teachers at school tell you that if you do not read or study you are bad. Mom tells us, you cannot jump over the wall. It will hurt. Books teach us History, Emotions; Shakespeare tells us what to feel when Juliet is separated from Romeo. So in essence, slowly over the time we stop making the choices we are given. We start living a life in which all responses are conditioned by History Classes. And we start living a life by default. Not ever realizing that the leash of happiness, and of life, lies in our hands. We can live the happiest most fulfilling life, simply by choosing that.

Well, actually the thing is that it is 3 AM here and I just “chose” to write the worst entry in my blog. So here I am writing something with one of my eyes closed. Anyways if you do make something out of this, do let me know. Remember its all A CHOICE, Your’s and mine :) :) :) :)

City of Angels

As a kid there were a few times, when I used to be totally completely lost. Too afraid from the world and what it had in store for me. Times like these, the whole world used to cave in around me. I used to feel so utterly lost and so eternally lost. Then I used to cry, there was no one around me who could understand what was going on.

But then when tears were all dried up, and my eyes swollen, I used to have this lovely feeling. Feeling of a hand touching my forehead. “Everything is going to be all right. Hang On! Everything is going to be fine” And then I used to feel so blissfully light. And everything made sense in those few seconds. I had just discovered my guardian angel. He never left my side. He was always there when I needed him. I used to call him “Amato Yoshi”. I really do not have an idea where that name came from, but whenever I felt lost Amato was there. Holding my hand and telling me that it’s going to be fine. Through the years as I got more engrossed in the life around me, I lost track of him. Amato Yoshi, my eternal angel slipped into the darkness. I no longer hear his voice. Now whenever I am afraid or lost or lonely, I read a novel, or watch a movie and I go off to sleep. And he never talks to me. He never tells me that I am better then I think I am. The reason why I remember him today is, that I was watching “City of Angels”. And if you have seen it I do not think I have to say anything else. But my Amato has left me lonely. I wonder he is still around me watching me, and trying to talk to me. How many times we ignore that faint voice in our heads? How many times we loose our angels?

Please i need to hear from you people about this or i might as well never write again. I am loosing direction folks i need you to tell me what you think about your angels.

Life goes on......

Life has funny ways. Revelations come to you when you least expect them, truths are revealed when you are not even looking for them and destinies change, at the blink of an eye. Most of the times, we live our lives by default. Not thinking about where we are going, what we are doing and most important, WHY we are doing the thing we do. We are driven by inertia in those times.
I was traveling in a bus the day before yesterday, and I saw this lovely sun set, and I just could not shake that feeling of a lump in my throat. How many sun sets do we miss, just thinking in our closed spaces, that another day has gone by? Never realizing that even in the dying light of that day, there is that immense joy and beauty that can touch you down to the bottom of your heart.
The day I die, I do not want to cringe, that how many things I did not see, or I missed. Or maybe things I could have done differently.........

“I wrote this while traveling, could not get much meaning out of it, but just posting this so that you people do not regret missing the beauty in the present day"

Something i wrote a long time back......

Make not thy soul nest in hell
Nor thy mind’s lodging in deception,
Wander not in neighborhood of foolishness & absurdities
Nor by the door of house of vain imagination
Abandon vain conceits

Whoso sows the seed of sloth,
Sloth will bring him impiety for fruits
Whoso took unto himself folly and sloth,
His legs lost their power & his work failed

I know nothing worse than sloth,
It turns warriors into cowards
You were created for work & a robe
Of honor is ready cut for thee.
Why are you content with tatters?
How will you get thy fortune when
You’re idle sixty days a month?
Idleness in the day & ease at night.
Though will hardly reach the throne of Sasanians.
Know that handle of the club & hilt of swords
Are crown and throne to kings who know
Not the moisture of weeping eyes
But he who wanders about after money and a meal
Cringes ignoble and vile before a clenched fist.

Possess knowledge, possess also serenity
Like the mountain be not distressed
At the disaster of fortune.
Knowledge without serenity
Is an unlighted candle, both together
Are like the bee’s honey.
Honey without wax typifies the noble,
Wax without honey is for burning.
Abandon this abode of generation and corruption
Leave the pit and make for thy destined home.
For on this dry heat of dust is mirage
And a fire appears as water.
The man of pure heart unites the two worlds in one
The lover makes but one of all the three abodes.

ILLUSIONS

ILLUSIONS
Your Only
obligation in any lifetime
is to be true to yourself.
Being true to anyone else or
anything else is not only
impossible, but the
mark of a fake
messiah.
-------- Richard Bach

The Responsible Newspaper

The News paper I believe is the voice of a country. It reaches the masses and it influences thoughts too. I was reading today's Times of India. And the degree, to which journalism has degraded, truly amazes me. Like, this paper is the largest selling paper in the whole wide world.
Let's just keep our discussion to the root of the evil. They call it 'soft porn'. But why the hell do we have to put Soft Porn on the Editorial page. And especially when you are writing about the sudden boom in the sensex. I am talking about this article by some 'Bachi Karkaria'; she uses words like a 'Cosmic Phallus' to describe the rise of the sensex. FINE, I have no problem with analogies, but where you draw your tangents show what kind of thought goes on in your head. Does the youth of our nation looks for pleasurable analogies in such hugely important and sensitive issues too. And describing the widespread euphoria as an 'Orgy'. If this is the way we think then in a very short time kids will start thinking of school as a 'Prostitution House'!!!! Like WHAT THE HELL.
Anyways my point here is that Indian youth now is responsible enough and educated enough, that we do not need 'Soft Porn' to read a good newspaper. There are other better places to find that. I don�t know if any of you might agree with me on that one, but seriously, I�d hate to think my opinions reflected by a cheap porn magazine of sorts.
"

 
 

The Awakening

I was reading this book, by Jack Welch, "Winning". It would be shear euphemism to say that this book is just brilliant. But it got me to thinking about one incident in my life which I have lived over and over again.

In the year 2002, which is when I started my Mechanical Engineering, I and one of my friends got hooked onto this idea, of making a Rocket. A real flying machine with solid rocket boosters. We had plans to send experiments onboard to desired heights. Now we had the idea, we knew the technical stuff involved. But what we did not have was money. One thing led to the other and we decided to set up a full time research lab which would fund this project. And we got so engrossed in making this lab work, getting the funding, the infrastructures, the people, that the real AIM, for which we were doing all this slipped out of my mind altogether. By the time I could actually figure out what was happening, I was too tied to get out of it. The reason I am talking about all this here is, that even in the best of my times, I have not been able to figure out why we did not succeed. Now, mind you, we had the best people you can find, but yes, the facilities and the support that goes into those things was seriously missing. Anyhow whatever the reasons were, I kept looking for answers for almost 2 years. I was even afraid to dream of something or even to try something real, due to the fear of failure.

Now, Jack talks about a quality that organizations must have, and that is Candor. He tells us that for organizations to succeed, the people involved must speak out. The manager should create an environment where everyone can speak out, freely and objectively. Looking back at it, the real reason I see now that killed my Little Company was, we all lacked Candor. There was unbound enthusiasm, everyone had a vision, technically everyone knew his business but what they lacked in was Candor. I as a manager was too busy leading them on, pushing them harder and stronger, and forgetting that they must also speak out. But then, there is a contradiction here. Is it not every person’s first duty towards an organization, not to accept things as they are? Is it not a part of an employees job to stand up and say “Sir, This is where you are messing up big time?"

Anyhow that was my first failure. And it took me almost 2 years to get out of it. That was my awakening, as I see it now.

First Post

Since this is my first blog, i must first introduce myself. Well, i am a "Traveller". My journey began ofcource when i was born, but the truth is that i actually set on this journey just a few years back. The realization suddenly came to me that there is something more to life, there is something more refined then just being carried away by inertia.

I have been travelling ever since.

I have looked for meaning everywhere, searched for the hidden answers, which i must confess are still coming. But yes, i found a few things in this journey which i thought must be told. Because i am sure there are other souls out there looking for meaning. So we will continue this journey together . Whoever wishes to join this Traveller, is most welcome.

The reason i call life as a journey is that even if you remove all constraints, all bondings, you are still driven by something. That ubiquitous element is so potent and so unescapable that we all have to depend on it, in one degree or another. I am talking about TIME. We may stand still, but TIME moves on, and carries us through this journey. Now we make it lovely or not, is our own special choice.

You are all welcome aboard............