Random thoughts from an empty mind

The biggest irony of life …….well the biggest farce played out on all humans is the belief that life has a greater meaning and a greater cause. When we are young and all, we are told that you have to search for that “Greater Cause”. Textbooks and textbooks and millions of pages are written and taught and chewed and spit till they almost become a cliché. The words telling us about life’s of great men and woman who supposedly “ Found “ that greater calling of there lives.

Plato , Einstein, Madame Curie, Napoleon, Iacocca and a million others who lived for a greater good and a greater cause.

We keep on believing and we keep on looking for that greater cause all throughout our lives. Believing that one day we will find that elixir of life, the alchemist’s gold and things will suddenly change for us. Even I am the one who kept believing that and kept searching for it. Until recently I was watching this movie, “wonder Boys”, where the guys says once, “Life is something that happens to us when we are looking for something else”


Well I could habve dismissed the thoughts that followed like any other thought provoking ideas are auto filtered in my system but then again on a closer introspection I found that these 23 odd years, in which I have been trying to stay alive, more then 15 were spent creating tools which one day will help me make a career in the future, then next 5 were spent specializing the tools which one day will help me to get in the “future” and possible land a good, decent and high paying job. And then the next 2-3 years I was tryng to make a career which will one day help me settle down in the “ future” and now recently the latest thing on ma mind is, retirement planning and my “future” kids education plans. Well and if I count in all the holidays, being sick, attending family functions and all, then I guess the total will come to around 365 odd days. So one out of 23 years, I actually was living. Doing the things I want to do. Watching the green leaves, doing nothing and basically feeling alive. Extrapolate that a bit and if I manage to stay alive till another say 40 years I will die a very sad man coz I would have lived for only around 3-4 odd years. So 56 years of toil so that I can live for just 4 years.

All this time I keep on living in the future when I am loosing out the life that is tickling away right here right now. The life I can spend being happy about today, about here and about now. If only I can detach my mind from 2010, I may notice all the reasons I have to be happy right now. Alll the tiny little details that are around me which can make me happy right here in this moment. I guess its like a veil over my eyes and in moments like this when this veil is suddenly lifted I find as if everything is “ok”.

All of a sudden things become so beautiful. And almost in the same instant all this weight that I feel in my head is lifted. And I feel so alive again. But then in a moment the cell phone rings and there is some one giving me a 1 lakh rupee loan, or maybe one of ma friends wants to share his career planning with me, or maybe it’s the mobile phone company reminding me of my overdue bills. And then the moment is lost and trust me no matter how hard I try it does not come back too often..


Well I got inspired by my own writing and I decided to come and sit outside in the balcony, outside the 4 walls I spend my life in. The walls remain almost the same. The location keeps on changing. One point of time I am confined in the four walls of my house and in the next moment I move to rthe four walls of my office. And if maybe I need a change I go to see the walls of a restraunt. But like I said the walls remain more or less the same. . Well that’s my life for now.

Anyways coming back to the point. I guess education should be modified a bit and there should be a different subject called “life” which should teach you how to live. How to make mistakes and learn from them. How to be a fool and still get by. How not be great and still be happy. It should teach about all the people like Einstein and all and still tell you in bold and underlined text, that Einstein as a kid loved doing what he did as an adult. That Einstein compromised a lot to do what he loved to do. He was not emulating anyone. But he was being an average clerk in a govtt. Office and finding time to live in the moment and do what he loved to do.

How madame curie got cancer doing what she was doing and loving. Had these people been living for the future glory I doubt very much that they would actually have got it. And imagine a “Newton” sitting under the tree and thinking about his next job change, I doubt he would have given a damn if the apple was falling or maybe if the whole damn tree would have fallen. Poor gravity would have got compromised because of someone’s career planning.


Well I am beginning to think that if all these things I am trying to tell you are actually true then what the hell am I doing on this stupid lap top?

He he he he

That’s what life is I suppose. Happy journey anyways!!!!!!!!!!!

The Journey into the Unknown...

Every once in a while some thing happens......some strange event, or maybe some one comes along and there is this spark of revelations...

And i feel tempted to write....

But it does not happen to often anyways.

So what happened this time, what invoked this knee jerk reaction to make me want to write today? well to tell you the truth, i don't know :)

But then it ws like, i was enjoying my weekend and all. Basically doing nothing at all, and from nowhere, came this whole avalanche of questions? A whole lot of questions.....which i have been asking myself many a times. And o tell you the truth i have never really figured out a "perfect" answer. Like this one, "What is Happiness"?

Now i tell you this is one solide gold question ok! everytime i ask this question my answers change. And that drives me nutts. and i have this stupid habit now of actually "Writing" down the answers. and my oh my .......all of them are damn diffrent.

Back in college, happiness was getting through exams alive....then it became finding a job i loved. This happiness then suddenly morphed itself, into "finding ANY job"

and then momentarily it was doing the best in my job.

and soem where during the transitions and turn of pages pooor happiness, got , well, kinda ......LOST!

i do not really know where is my happiness right now. Is it in doing the right thing for my carrer, or is it doing the best in my job right now? o is it in making my folks happy? or is it in doing the right thing and basically being a fucckin boy scout!
Well i am sorry i know my language is taking a toss

Anyways the thing is that now she has got lost., and its been quiet some time since i could really find it. But then i thought of this stupid blog n all and i suddenly started missing some of my really good frnds here. Like marie Frey.....i used to like that one...and at some point of ime, gettin comments from her used to make me happy. Take Pallavi Sharma, my little wookie, my gaurdian angel. I tell you if you find one frnd who even comes 1 % close to what this girl is, well you will not need to keep lookin for happiness no more. Like i am.

But then, i do not know even why i am thinking about you all. Why i miss you all? Buy i know for sure that i have lost something, my happiness, my focus and my resolve. I let things happen to me to a point where i lost control.....and i am not being able to grab hold of that ever elusinve cliche' of a "Perfect Happy Life"

it will take me some time to figure that one out but one day i am going to crack this code....i am going to find out the root of all this. Which makes people go round n round.....

Well till then.....have a nice life

Swapnil's Wonderful Work.......

Lost in Dreams.......and Lost in thoughts

The time eventually came, when i had to come and sit at my PC again and write something. The chain of thoughts that's been going on in my head just kept expanding and organically branching out in all possible directions.
Mostly it starts with a question!!!

And then you regret having asked it yourself.......

But then you cannot turn your back on things unsaid, its like acrid vapors hanging in still air. Refuse to go, until you let some fresh air flow in.
Anyways, it all started on a trip. I was on my way to Lucknow on board a Train. I love traveling in the train for two reasons. One, the passage of time is more real and the distance actually diminishes with time, as it does in most cases, but somehow the slow passage of time seems more natural more realistic to me somehow. Secondly i get ample time to nurture crazy thoughts like this one here, i am having with me right now.
I was enjoying the sun, the feel of those soft morning rays falling on my arms, that soft touch of cold morning wind touching my face, all of a sudden i felt "relaxed". Unguarded, Prone, all the layers on insulation i had been building between me and that question, all of a sudden were gone.

And i regretted it later. Much later. anyways it was too late for now.

So, i asked myself, Who am i? A profoundly simple and innocent question but it started a train of thoughts, "Where am i Going? , "what am i doing?", "Where is home?", "Where are the people who love me?", "What is it that i really want to achieve?". things like that. Fairly innocent questions, but trust me , they are not innocent. They can wreck hovocc on your simple cute little value system. Render it useless at most. Then you have to start all over again. Don't Try it at home, its not worth it. Anyways, so now the problem was that i had almost 8 hours of journey left with me now. People around me, were, well, no offense, the most boring people ever to have lived on this planet. One of them was a Fashion model or something, Cute 23 year old female ( Yes! My Age), who was mostly interested in talking about Italian fashion, which to me is "Hwwa hua wwaa chu chi ( Thats in Chineese i guess!!)
Anyways, there was this Uncle Ji, 50 - 80 years age , could have been anywhere between that bracket because there was no way i could tell, judging by his looks. He was an IAS officer in the fisheries department and all. One son in US working for some firm, getting a fat dollar check for it. One daughter wedded to a Minister of some sort. Anyways he was really interested in throwing me off the train, and ensure that i got killed in the process, because i told him, that i work for a British Firm. Notwithstanding the fact that his own son, was working for some Half Baked idiot in US, this uncle ji thought that I AM DRAINING INDIA'S WEALTH ( Wherever that is,bcoz i am not really sure if there is any wealth here at all ). And this uncle ji thought that i am single handedly responsible for the unemployment in india, for killing the local industry, the small scale things ( i did not even know, that small scale sector used to manufacture Heavy construction equipment, which incidentally my "Evil" company makes for a living), Killing the Agriculture. and i could tell by the way he was looking at me, that he'd just as soon as push me out of the train as he got the chance to do it. I wish the damn train had some kind of seat belts or something. damned Indian railways.
There was another guy there with me, sitting right in front of me. Mostly his jaw did not leave the train's floor ( Did i tell you his jaw fell down, when he saw that model come in and sit next to me? ), I could tell by the way that he looked at her, that he was building castles and mountains of fantasies, all around that beauty. For nine hours, his eyes never left her alone. So i could deduce that he was not a least bit interested in having a conversation with me. Throw me out perhaps but not talk to me. So i felt somewhat more uncomfortable. Damn the Indian Railways, they should have some kind of seat belts on.

And this one should get the Nobel prize in that little compartment of mine. He was the best among this little herd. Well, he had this mobile phone with him, which i don't know why, required him to scream his lungs out, or maybe i guess the person at the other end had a hearing disability. So it was like he was screaming at the top of his voice into the cell phone, and trying to sort all his personal problems then and there. Sorry but i really could not miss out the details that he was airing in that little compartment. Turned out his wife had a relation with this other neighbor they had and this guy in the train was telling each one of his relatives that he was going to kill her or something, when he got back home that is. And i am sure the way he built his case, the whole compartment must have sympathized with him, and maybe some people with good hearing in the other compartment too.He was so engrossed in this , conversation of his, that even when nobodies cell phone was working, his mobile companty must have decided to air some extra signal into the cell phone for him. Custom Made or something. The model babe sitting next to him was surely feeling sorry for the little soul. Anyways. So you see my surroundings were just perfect. Picture perfect, so i just could not turn the What and why questions out of my head.

You really should not be cornered that ways, i was, and trust me its not fun!

Anyways, so lets start with the first thing that came to my head. in just a few months my life has been a roller coaster ride. So many things have been happening and so many things changing all of a sudden that i have lost all contact with reality. Its like a dazed confused dream, that just refuses to go away. So the thing is that i as a person have felt so lost and so confused that i even lost the sense of passage of time.

the people i love and care for, well, they've mostly been busy with there lives, trying to bring order into their own little chaotic universes. Some settling down, some going with the flow, some taking challenges and taking the lead. Well as of me, i am on the sidetracks for most of them. A diesel engine left running on the sidelines by some one. like you notice it, and wonder why its there and you move on.

Well, so here i am right now, lost lonely and "Thinking" about things i should not be thinking about, i know!

Thinking back and analyzing all that has happened to me so far i wonder whats wrong? I have a job, it pays well, i am not under debt or something, i live in a commparitive luxury, my life has been fairly successful to this point. BUT, there is something missing. Something fundamental, like a small stone missing in the foundation, like a small chromosome missing in my DNA. The harder i think of it, the harder i hit the wall.

i am still looking for that answer, i am still cornered by the questions at times and i still grope in the dark looking for them. i guess you don't just bounce into answers all at once. its all a process you have to go through and the process is what we have to learn not the answers but the whole process, bit by bit one step at a time. I wonder when i am dying or something, would i be content with all the answers i would be having with me that time. Or would i be still saying " oh Hell! i just could not figure out why?"

Maybe this is the learning that comes from all the questions that you ask yourself in those lonely personal moments, that its not the answers that matter but the way you ask the questions , the way you face your daemons and the way you challenge them.

loneliness, it has a solution, there are a billions and billions of people out there, population bursting at its seams, and i just cannot seem to believe that you cannot find ONEn Right person in all that crowd, one person you can feel bonded with.

Challenge? there are billion things you can challenge yourself on. and if you do it right, you might as well emerge a winner. Small challenges at first and then you can take the world head on.

money, Home, Car, Kids, Loving wife, good job, satisfaction, happiness, bliss, contentment, good sex, wild sex, more money, even more money, prestige, respect, crowds, all have a single price i think. "Initiative"!!!!!

Every problem has a solution, you just have to be using the right formula

The Wizard of the Dark,,,,,

The ashes are still warm
my body lies there spread in the fire
but i promised you i will rise again

Some one told me, when i was a kid
"You will always belong to the dark, and that is where you will find all ur happiness"
i could not understand what he meant
now i see what darkness is to me
'
they break me
they try to kill all the love i have for myself
they loathe me for what i have become

but the ashes are still warm
and the fire is still not out
and i rise once again

this is not a poem ......
this is a promise to myself
that all those who left me to die the slow and painful death
will one day realize what they have lost

i believe in you
i trust you
i still do
and i love you
a lot
but i have to go now
i have a goal to achieve
and thanks to you
you made me realize that the ashes also have a use.,,,,,,,,

I am what i am...........

The day starts
With a warm feeling of anticipation
Something good is going to happen today….

I wait for my chances to come
I wait for my time
I am patient
And I am diligent
But destiny has her ways

Dreams once cherished
Dreams now lost
Dreams forgotten long time back
Dreams that haunt me in the middle of the night

Nightmares no longer scare
People come and go
People I once loved, lost
People I once craved
Crawl all over my skin now

I became something wanton
Dark
Cold and dead
But I know good things will happen to me
Not in this lifetime
Maybe next
Or maybe the next one
I will keep on hoping
Keep on waiting
Keep on living and
Keep on dying
For I am an end in itself
I am faith
I am what I am………………..

Black is all I see......

There i stand
looking in the dark
is it only my reflection
or is it visions from the past
or maybe manifestations of my own desires

black is all i see
darkness is all around me
I've been searching
so long
that i lost sight
of what i was looking for
my trenchant journey, leads me nowhere........

i stand here now
a victim of my own choices
feeding on my own vices
i am leaving this place now
i am going into the darkness
death is the only way out.......

bblackness feeds my skin
blackness feeds my brain
blackness feeds my end..........